They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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