Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dignity is for republicans.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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