she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
