Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
