actually, I'm a sock model
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
