You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
