He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
