Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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