then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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