just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
