My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
