weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize