shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
