Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
