ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
