I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
