somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
