Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
