I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize