You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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