I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
