So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
