we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
