i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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