it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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