there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
