i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
