Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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