I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
