I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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