Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
