i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
