Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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