I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
