why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
