its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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