she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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