I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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