Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
OPIZZABONMYDICK
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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