jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Let's get the cat blown out
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
