Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
