I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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