thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
