I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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