Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
