My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
