Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(585): View more from New York

I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots

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(214): View more from Texas

On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.

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