Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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