Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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