dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
