so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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