I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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