i'm signing you up for texting rehab
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
