Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize