There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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