I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
