if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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